Numb...

Know what's special about this image? Nothing. There is nothing significant about it at all. It says nothing to me. It isn't touching some deep part of my soul that I'm almost brought to tears. I just pulled out my camera yesterday and took a pic. No reason at all, but hoped that maybe I'd think of something to write concerning that pic. However, nothing comes to mind concerning this pic, as I've mentioned before.

Perhaps your more discerning eye can find something to evoke a little more emotion. The contrast in light might remind you of approaching summertime, with memories of sitting under welcome shade while the sun beats down. A tasty iced tea in hand, though maybe you'd rather it be an ice cold Pabst Blue Ribbon, which leads me to another idea of summertime involving BBQ and beer. Maybe even a game at the park - local or Comerica - which can help us appreciate the warmer months of summer. Of course, maybe you're looking at the girl in the green top walk across the street and thinking of summer time and the droves of women wearing little to no clothing (depending on the venue). 

Maybe you can see these things, and obviously so can I see those things in my own pic, but I've been feeling very little joy these past couple days and weeks. I need a job. I need to know where I'll be in the fall and remainder of my schooling. I need some sort of re-balancing of mental chemistry. I need time to become comfortable in my own skin and I sure as hell need relief from my own mental anal retentive obsessions. 

I need a job. Believe it or not, I've been casting a wide net, though I haven't yet tuned that net to lower end jobs (McD's, Wendy's, etc..).Technically, I have a job but for whatever stupid reason, my boss decided to passive aggressively get rid of me by not scheduling me any hours at all. He didn't fire me, has on occasion told me he'll put me on the schedule, and constantly denied anything other than budget reasons for not giving me more hours. Consequently, with every additional job to which I apply, I have an incredible urge to punch him. Sucks too, because as much as I've been putting my name out there filling out apps and sending out my resume (too lazy to include accent marks now), nothing has been aligning the way it should. Not that I expect to land the perfect job right away, but a bit of good fortune would be nice.

My (hopefully) final semester at JCC has ended, with an incredible amount of stress near the end. I'm waiting on word from an institution of higher learning to accept me with open arms, though a letter expressing that I don't completely suck and they'll take me would be appreciated. 

Mentally I'm at odds with myself. On one hand I have the great Phanny B and on the other hand I have me. Believe me, as powerful a force in my mind, heart and soul that Phanny B is, my own neurotic tendencies are equally formidable. Years of building them up and being added to by a number of unfortunate circumstances; layer upon layer upon layer of stupidity - both of external and internal sources. I've created many of my own problems, but some have just fallen my way. 

Counseling would help, I should think. Some pill popping might be in order even. Not that I want to resort to medications, but things just might be so out of sorts up top that I need a little help. I certainly can't hold it against anyone for wanting reduced symptoms at nearly any cost. 

Depending on what you're getting out of this, I'm either messed up or just ducky. I'll agree to both. Things are right in the world one day, and chaotic and distressing the next. Today, for example, I didn't want to see anyone, not even Phanny. I did see her, and I even had a little fun with her. I hope she wasn't too brought down my own negativity, however, because even having fun wasn't enough to completely remove the mood of gloom.

How do you tell someone like Phanny that you want a day or two to be to yourself? I've thought I'd be able to convey it before, but I have a problem doing just that. I'm too worried that she won't understand the need or that she'll be offended by not being able to see me (or help me) that day. How do you tell someone that you don't want to see anyone, including them and even yourself? 

Call me out for not really loving her if you want, because maybe you're right. Then again, maybe I'm normal and you're just not honest with yourself and your partner. There are days when I don't even want to see me or be me, so wanting days where I don't see a single person is appealing to me, every once in a while.

Largely I'm just going through a lull right now. I'm numb and I feel oddly betrayed my so many different people and entities. So many things I can just brush off my shoulder, but in the past few years I've felt as if the fates are pushing my buttons by heaping extraordinarily large numbers of petty things on me. Very things major, but one minor thing after another and another keep befalling me, and I'm growing tired of it happening. Once in a spell, it's something bigger than usual.

Fuck me...I'm such an emo turd. I'm done. Maybe tomorrow or the next day I'll write a more humorous diatribe relating my irritation with presidential election year.

So long my Andy-villians!