Ma'ma said there'd be days like this.....

Right now I feel very much like a plague ridden, bubonic encrusted leper. Wrong description perhaps, but I can't breathe for shit right now, and I would kill a whole gaggle of bitches in order to save myself this bit of stress. Maybe I'd burn down an orphanage, two even. Were both nostrils as congested as the one is, I'd burn down every single orphanage on Earf (yes, EARF) in order to relieve myself of this ailment.

Still, I try and maintain a semblance of positivity, despite it being difficult right now, thanks to this cold/allergy issue I'm experiencing. Cue the pic above, which gave me a hell of a smile. Brings to mind a question: "what mundane things would you do had you the Force as your ally? Wash dishes? Mop the floor? Fold laundry? Maybe help secure yourself a spot on your city's NBA team, WOW'ing the crowds with your incredible Three Point sinking skills?

Feeling very at odds with myself. Choices have been made that I regret one moment, and have full confidence in the next moment. Self doubt from a year of depression lingers, and I'm scared of the immediate future. The past becomes the future I've heard, and right now I'm watching my past strongly become my future.

How can I fight this I ask myself? How can I turn things around to give me the necessary confidence that things won't turn to shit as they have in the past? Things seem to be heading in the right direction at the moment, but let's see if that holds; let's see if stuff will continue looking up.

Something that is mind numbing is the progression of my thoughts from thinking "that people are inherently good" to "people are inherently selfish animals." I want to think the best of people, but I've been shit on by people that ought to have been taking care of me. The Army warped me and shit on me. Dept heads at a school I'm attending have shit on me. My boss at work has been slowly handing my the shit end of the stick, despite me busting my ass while on the clock and getting the damn job done.

There are some examples of people that are very good people. Phanny B for example is a good person; so good even that makes me nervous. My parents have been nothing but good, but I've never thought otherwise in that case. Family is generally good, but if I wasn't family, would they still be as good to me? I think they would, but you can never be too sure.

Ah well.....on to more superficial things.

Tattoos are therapy to me. Not that I don't have enough work already, but I'm getting the itch for even more. Not a random, off the wall of flash selection, but one that I've been planning for some time. For example, I've want to start a massive tree I've been planning for a few years now. It'll stretch from left shoulder to lower right thigh and be the kind of piece that makes your eyes pop a little bit. Pictured below is a bit of a rough sketch of my idea. Ignore the chub if you would, heh.

Pretty neat idea, don't you agree? Nowhere near as expansive as what I have in mind, but you get an idea. Have to work with the four wise men across my upper back, but that was always my intention as well.

Well, I'm a little bored of writing, and I've got stuff to cross of my to-do list. I'll catch up again sooner or later.

Ta-ta for now.

Wants, Wishes, Dreams, and Desires for 2012

As another year ends, so shall another begin. What does 2012 have in store for me? Shall I grab this non-literal bull by the horns and have my way with it? Perhaps make a long list of resolutions, most of which will not be fulfilled. Even fill up my Facebook news feed how certain I am that 2012 will be greatly improved over the year preceding? Nah....I don't think I will.

What are my general wishes for the year, might you wonder? General mind you, not specific. For starters, I'd like for Phanny and I to continually grow together and improve on the relationship that has been not only a surprise but a very heartwarming, exciting thing. Additionally, I'd like for my overall luck to improve to the point where I am once again able to brush things off as if they were nothing more than a leaf on my shoulder. Situations to improve I'd also like: financial, academic, car, weight and so on.

Using the weight angle, I intend on continuing with Yoga and further workouts. It'll cost a fair amount, but it'll be worth it. Having been to several already, I can't wait for more. My body, while feeling very worked over immediately post class, is in celebration walking out of the studio. Already I feel as though it has done my back wonders, not to mention my mind and soul. It's (my body/back) improved enough that I felt more than able to go through an entire 5K prep workout without having to cut it short. Not that I didn't want to cut it short, but I didn't. With Phanny B I believe I'll meet my workout goals, but I can also see Bill and Annay aiding me in this. Bill and I like to hit up the Cascades from time to time and beat feet. Annay and I keep having delusions of running grandeur, so she better get that knee brace so we can start looking sexay again.

School....where to start? I'm at a point where I no longer truly want nursing. Correction: I still want nursing, but I'm strongly desiring other things to want as well. Writing and education are back at the forefront of my professional desires, and I'm at a point where I intend to make a move towards those different goals, the time is now. It's frightening, however, to entertain thoughts like that. To hold a goal in your mind and heart for so long, then consider a goal not even related to that original goal, that's scary shit. Where I'm at in that decision I'll not say, but hold it in for a touch longer.

Moving on with another wish for this year, I want to get a handle on my anxiety. I'm tired of irrational fears to hold such a strong sway over me. Often I can't pinpoint from where those fears originate. I have my CDO tendencies, but I don't see those as causing panic attacks. Whatever it is, I want to get help and move on.

Less important wants and wishes for the year include: attending San Diego ComiCon; acquiring a Canon T3 ES-F DSLR camera; tattoo work; and various other little things. I'd like to visit Chicago again, and do so with more friends too. Several shows are on the wish list too, as well as several accessories for my motorcycle.

Pretty generic, non-interesting thoughts, aren't they? No big deal. They're my wants and wishses. Nothing more. I suppose they're written for me and not anyone else, so, again, no biggie.