Not all who wander are lost...

...nor do all who are lost wander.

Not sure where to begin...my life has been rather uneventful of late. Sure, there have been some good damn times and some damn good laughs, but I'm also coming off a serious financial set back of sorts. I guess money really does make the world go 'round.

I don't really believe that, of course. What makes the world go 'round is a mystery to me. That's not to say I don't have ideas, or thoughts on the matter, but I largely live in a different world. When faced with reality, my mind retreats in a realm of fantasy where everyone is positive and cheerful and happy-go-lucky and so on. Where people can walk up and hug another person that looks on the verge of tears, without having a PPO against them shortly thereafter.

Maybe it's fluctuating levels of hormones. Perhaps it's the depression I've been in for the better part of a decade receding and letting the light back into my life. Perhaps I'm manic depressive, which as an option hasn't even been eliminated. Not that I really think or know I am; I've never talked to anyone, not professionally/therpeutically anyway.

But I digress.

After a solid month of it, the 365 project is going strong, if not at times as excitingly as I want it to go. I will finish what I have started, but there are other projects I have going that I have not been as dedicated towards. Exercise is one of them. Sleep pattern is another. Healthier food choices...is yet another.

It's odd....there is so much yearning in my mind, body and soul for cleanliness. By "cleanliness" I mean that I want to embrace a strong, assertive and more positive lifestyle and maintain. I want to "walk the walk" I can see in my dreams and thoughts. I want to be in control of my life as much as I can be in control. I want to be able to look back one day, or a week, or a month at a time, and say "have I lived my life in such a way that I'm pleased with myself?"

Not that I don't please myself these days (despite sounding very wrong, I'm leaving that as is). In fact, my life is full of good things and good times. I have friends with whom I love spending time; family too. I get out, in spite of being a bit poor right now, and I find things to do.

Stagnation is one of the many sources of my despair, yet it's so hard to change when you find yourself unable to act. That'll be for another blog though. Find the words to convey the inability and fear of action is disconcerting and something for which I'm not really in the mood.

Classes are passably enjoyable, but It'll be a short while before I'm where I want to be.

Spring Break is around the corner, and I'm desperately in need of somewhere to go. Just get out of the city and maybe even away from the cold for a while. Florida would be nice, but I can deal with somewhere that doesn't have snow. Jamaica would be even better, but the money conflict comes into play.

Thinking back on "Love"...

In the past half a year, I've been strongly considering a forearm tattoo. Not just any ole' tattoo, but the word "Love" on my arm, inspired by "To Write Love On Your Arm Day" fame. Not that I need it, not is it simple decision to commit to! I've been avoiding forearm tattoos for years! Never thought I'd want one, but this one I do, or at least I think I do.

Seriously, how bad would it be to have the word "Love" tattooed and very visible? Easily covered, but who would it really scare off?

Speaking of love, Valentine's Day is around the corner, nor is it a day that I'm particularly excited about. It's largely a crap day invented and popularized by commercial entities, to help bring up sales of chocolates and jewelry and so during this lull experienced after the Christmas season.

Yes, I'm aware that there is a historical allusions as to why this day is celebrated to the extent that it is, but I call bullshit. The hub-bub of Valentine's Day is as fake as a diamond ring is representing a happy marriage.

Why is it, that I could be a wonderful husband 364 days out of the year, but if I do not remember Valentine's Day, I somehow become an unromantic asshole?

My sisters - my FOUR sisters - have all expressed their lament at my less than conventional thoughts. They tell me that I"m an ass if I don't buy into Valentine's Day; that the girl I profess to love, will be hurt should I not observe the day by wasting money on overpriced themed gifts.

Am I an ass? Am I just being stubborn? I love the idea of romanticism, but I hate the idea of commercialism even more.

Next time, maybe I'll talk about how I have my eye on a lady or two, but lack the courage (for the moment) to say anything.