Ma'ma said there'd be days like this.....

Right now I feel very much like a plague ridden, bubonic encrusted leper. Wrong description perhaps, but I can't breathe for shit right now, and I would kill a whole gaggle of bitches in order to save myself this bit of stress. Maybe I'd burn down an orphanage, two even. Were both nostrils as congested as the one is, I'd burn down every single orphanage on Earf (yes, EARF) in order to relieve myself of this ailment.

Still, I try and maintain a semblance of positivity, despite it being difficult right now, thanks to this cold/allergy issue I'm experiencing. Cue the pic above, which gave me a hell of a smile. Brings to mind a question: "what mundane things would you do had you the Force as your ally? Wash dishes? Mop the floor? Fold laundry? Maybe help secure yourself a spot on your city's NBA team, WOW'ing the crowds with your incredible Three Point sinking skills?

Feeling very at odds with myself. Choices have been made that I regret one moment, and have full confidence in the next moment. Self doubt from a year of depression lingers, and I'm scared of the immediate future. The past becomes the future I've heard, and right now I'm watching my past strongly become my future.

How can I fight this I ask myself? How can I turn things around to give me the necessary confidence that things won't turn to shit as they have in the past? Things seem to be heading in the right direction at the moment, but let's see if that holds; let's see if stuff will continue looking up.

Something that is mind numbing is the progression of my thoughts from thinking "that people are inherently good" to "people are inherently selfish animals." I want to think the best of people, but I've been shit on by people that ought to have been taking care of me. The Army warped me and shit on me. Dept heads at a school I'm attending have shit on me. My boss at work has been slowly handing my the shit end of the stick, despite me busting my ass while on the clock and getting the damn job done.

There are some examples of people that are very good people. Phanny B for example is a good person; so good even that makes me nervous. My parents have been nothing but good, but I've never thought otherwise in that case. Family is generally good, but if I wasn't family, would they still be as good to me? I think they would, but you can never be too sure.

Ah well.....on to more superficial things.

Tattoos are therapy to me. Not that I don't have enough work already, but I'm getting the itch for even more. Not a random, off the wall of flash selection, but one that I've been planning for some time. For example, I've want to start a massive tree I've been planning for a few years now. It'll stretch from left shoulder to lower right thigh and be the kind of piece that makes your eyes pop a little bit. Pictured below is a bit of a rough sketch of my idea. Ignore the chub if you would, heh.

Pretty neat idea, don't you agree? Nowhere near as expansive as what I have in mind, but you get an idea. Have to work with the four wise men across my upper back, but that was always my intention as well.

Well, I'm a little bored of writing, and I've got stuff to cross of my to-do list. I'll catch up again sooner or later.

Ta-ta for now.

Wants, Wishes, Dreams, and Desires for 2012

As another year ends, so shall another begin. What does 2012 have in store for me? Shall I grab this non-literal bull by the horns and have my way with it? Perhaps make a long list of resolutions, most of which will not be fulfilled. Even fill up my Facebook news feed how certain I am that 2012 will be greatly improved over the year preceding? Nah....I don't think I will.

What are my general wishes for the year, might you wonder? General mind you, not specific. For starters, I'd like for Phanny and I to continually grow together and improve on the relationship that has been not only a surprise but a very heartwarming, exciting thing. Additionally, I'd like for my overall luck to improve to the point where I am once again able to brush things off as if they were nothing more than a leaf on my shoulder. Situations to improve I'd also like: financial, academic, car, weight and so on.

Using the weight angle, I intend on continuing with Yoga and further workouts. It'll cost a fair amount, but it'll be worth it. Having been to several already, I can't wait for more. My body, while feeling very worked over immediately post class, is in celebration walking out of the studio. Already I feel as though it has done my back wonders, not to mention my mind and soul. It's (my body/back) improved enough that I felt more than able to go through an entire 5K prep workout without having to cut it short. Not that I didn't want to cut it short, but I didn't. With Phanny B I believe I'll meet my workout goals, but I can also see Bill and Annay aiding me in this. Bill and I like to hit up the Cascades from time to time and beat feet. Annay and I keep having delusions of running grandeur, so she better get that knee brace so we can start looking sexay again.

School....where to start? I'm at a point where I no longer truly want nursing. Correction: I still want nursing, but I'm strongly desiring other things to want as well. Writing and education are back at the forefront of my professional desires, and I'm at a point where I intend to make a move towards those different goals, the time is now. It's frightening, however, to entertain thoughts like that. To hold a goal in your mind and heart for so long, then consider a goal not even related to that original goal, that's scary shit. Where I'm at in that decision I'll not say, but hold it in for a touch longer.

Moving on with another wish for this year, I want to get a handle on my anxiety. I'm tired of irrational fears to hold such a strong sway over me. Often I can't pinpoint from where those fears originate. I have my CDO tendencies, but I don't see those as causing panic attacks. Whatever it is, I want to get help and move on.

Less important wants and wishes for the year include: attending San Diego ComiCon; acquiring a Canon T3 ES-F DSLR camera; tattoo work; and various other little things. I'd like to visit Chicago again, and do so with more friends too. Several shows are on the wish list too, as well as several accessories for my motorcycle.

Pretty generic, non-interesting thoughts, aren't they? No big deal. They're my wants and wishses. Nothing more. I suppose they're written for me and not anyone else, so, again, no biggie.

"JOHN WAYNE DIED WITH 5LBS...

...of undigested red meat in his ass! Now that's a man!"

Commenting earlier to someone else's blog, I decided to take my comment and run with it. Create my own blog and let some thoughts rattle off. The stuff in the quotes is the original comment:

"Clowns have always been something dear to me. No, I do not have a vast collection of paintings, dolls, figurines or anything else of that nature. I just like clowns, what they represent. To me, a clown is a parody of real life that lets you look at life and see how silly it all is. Through a clown's antics, you can see how we all are really, as a people - a species - struggling to make our way through life, and make ourselves happy along the way.

It's a unique thing, that we as part of the animal kingdom possess the awareness to desire happiness. As I look down at my dog Laverne, I realize that she seeks comfort, but will she go to the same lengths to secure happiness for herself or others? Maybe she will.....but to the same degree as a human? Does she just revel in comfort and happiness when it is to be had, or is she like us in that we think we *deserve* happiness?"

Bringing it back to clowns.....what do you do when the clown is projecting a false image for others? His main passion is in making others smile and laugh, but what happens when that isn't enough? What happens when the happiness of others is no longer enough to determine the clown's inner emotions? How can the clown help others pick themselves back up when he can't do it himself? Hmm?

Yes.....I'm thinking that I'm that clown right about now. I try and hold my shit together, but lately I feel like the storm is winning; the storming is beating me down and in losing the battle I feel like I'm a failure in other areas.

Sometimes I just want to surrender and give up, but only sometimes. I don't always have the strength to fight back, but I have the patience to weather the storm. "This too shall pass" is a rallying cry for me right now. Maybe I'll need some meds to help me through it, and maybe my mind will just right itself. I hope so....I'm tired of feeling like an emotional little turd.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-vrWrfCrwE

No, I don't really think this is true, but it makes me laugh.

Sacrifices

Yes, I am one of the faithful, which doesn't seem to be a very fashionable thing in many circles, but I roll with the Lord anyway. I am aware of why so many people are disenchanted with so many Christians, and frankly, so am I. Too many break a very fundamental lesson imparted to us by the the big J.C. himself: "Judge not, lest ye' be judged."

What really slays me is that many of the these people will defend themselves - repeatedly - claiming they aren't judging at all, merely pointing out - repeatedly - what is in scripture. Sure, remind someone every day that they're going to hell, and it that isn't judging at all. That's assuming they are in tune with the mind of God personally, and that he is incapable of changing his mind from what was written down nearly two thousand years ago. Some even forget other fundamental lessons in scripture: "They who are without sin may cast the first stone," and "one should seek to remove the plank from their own eye before they try to remove the speck from their neighbor's eye." Not exact translations, but I'm not in the mood to look it up for exactness. You get the point I hope.

Not that this is meant to be preachy, but today is Ash Wednesday. And today marks the beginning of the 40 days of Lent; a time for many things, sacrifice included. Though sometimes I often commit to doing certain acts or task instead of/in combination with giving things up, this year I'm focusing on the sacrificial side of Lent.

What I'm giving up this Lent:
- Pizza that is not homemade (and buying a frozen pizza to bake at home doesn't count)
- Pizza like things: i.e. Marco's Cheese Bread, and so on
- Potatoes; most especially mashed potatoes and french fries, stuff I don't like but will gorge on
- Alcohol aside from Saint Patty's Day
- I'm also going to limit the amount of Pop I drink, not a major deal, but I do drink too much

Yes, they're all food/drink items, but they're stuff I eat or drink with reckless abandon if in front of me. Potatoes will have some leeway as well, but things like french frieds or mashed potatoes could be swapped out for cole slaw or a house salad. Pizza, particularly "hot and ready" from Little Caesar's, is a curse. I'll easily kill a half of the pizza in a sitting, sometimes more.

Dietary sacrifices, but if you know, you'll know that it will take some strength. And if I can stick to it, I'll have won a small battle against the bulge. I'll have defeated several of my food weaknesses. Now....if only I could cure myself of the love of bacon and Bareman's chocolate milk. Won't happen any time soon, but they're not really a problem. I don't abuse them anyway.

PMS strong enough for her, but pH balanced for him.

I'm really experiencing a "fuck the world" moment. Not that the world has pissed me off, but today I slowly felt my mood deteriorate into something less than my optimistic self. At this point, I really don't even care about other's problems. I'm in a shitty mood; pure, unalterable shitty.

The Pee Wee pic made me smile, but only for a moment.

Okay, correction, I still feel for other people, and knowing they're not in the best place would take a toll on me. Yet, the most alarming thing is that I think, right now, I'd still pass on helping someone else tonight in favor of wallowing in self pity.

Demolished orphanages in Kenya? Not my problem. Homeless on the streets dying in the cold? Get back to me tomorrow. How about a friend in serious need of some love? Maybe, but I might not even answer the phone, or I'd try and weasel my way out of it to not confront their problem.
*sigh*

There are things I can and need to do. Life could be made better on so many different levels. Yet, I feel unable to commit to the changes that would make my life more golden.

If I could paint a picture, what would it look like? A person in traction perceiving themselves as crippled, surrounded by people in various activities: talking on a phone, bicycling, feeding a baby, working on a book, building a shed, laughing with friends at dinner running a marathon...all around me, and me wanting to participate but unable to exact movement because I feel lacking in the ability to move. That's one thought....

Get at me in a day or three..."it can't rain all the time"...

Lent is almost upon us and I always take it to heart to do something to test me personally, as much as something to sacrifice for God. My thoughts on this year:
- Drink no beer or alcohol for 40 days....
- Eat no pizza or pizza like food for 40 days....
- Eat no fries for 40 days....
- Walk no less than 1 mile a day for 40 days....
- Meditate for ten minutes a day for 40 days....

Ultimately, these are all sacrifices geared towards my own benefit....but is that so bad? Cure myself so I'll be better able to help others?

An Andy Beau Original

"Life is neither good nor bad; life just is. When life is good we forget to feel it with the appreciative attitude we should, because, and mark these words, bad times will come. And when the bad times come, give them a wide berth, for even they are somewhat beneficial in that they help us appreciate the good times that we've had and will likely have again."

A status update that I wanted to post in blog form.

Not all who wander are lost...

...nor do all who are lost wander.

Not sure where to begin...my life has been rather uneventful of late. Sure, there have been some good damn times and some damn good laughs, but I'm also coming off a serious financial set back of sorts. I guess money really does make the world go 'round.

I don't really believe that, of course. What makes the world go 'round is a mystery to me. That's not to say I don't have ideas, or thoughts on the matter, but I largely live in a different world. When faced with reality, my mind retreats in a realm of fantasy where everyone is positive and cheerful and happy-go-lucky and so on. Where people can walk up and hug another person that looks on the verge of tears, without having a PPO against them shortly thereafter.

Maybe it's fluctuating levels of hormones. Perhaps it's the depression I've been in for the better part of a decade receding and letting the light back into my life. Perhaps I'm manic depressive, which as an option hasn't even been eliminated. Not that I really think or know I am; I've never talked to anyone, not professionally/therpeutically anyway.

But I digress.

After a solid month of it, the 365 project is going strong, if not at times as excitingly as I want it to go. I will finish what I have started, but there are other projects I have going that I have not been as dedicated towards. Exercise is one of them. Sleep pattern is another. Healthier food choices...is yet another.

It's odd....there is so much yearning in my mind, body and soul for cleanliness. By "cleanliness" I mean that I want to embrace a strong, assertive and more positive lifestyle and maintain. I want to "walk the walk" I can see in my dreams and thoughts. I want to be in control of my life as much as I can be in control. I want to be able to look back one day, or a week, or a month at a time, and say "have I lived my life in such a way that I'm pleased with myself?"

Not that I don't please myself these days (despite sounding very wrong, I'm leaving that as is). In fact, my life is full of good things and good times. I have friends with whom I love spending time; family too. I get out, in spite of being a bit poor right now, and I find things to do.

Stagnation is one of the many sources of my despair, yet it's so hard to change when you find yourself unable to act. That'll be for another blog though. Find the words to convey the inability and fear of action is disconcerting and something for which I'm not really in the mood.

Classes are passably enjoyable, but It'll be a short while before I'm where I want to be.

Spring Break is around the corner, and I'm desperately in need of somewhere to go. Just get out of the city and maybe even away from the cold for a while. Florida would be nice, but I can deal with somewhere that doesn't have snow. Jamaica would be even better, but the money conflict comes into play.

Thinking back on "Love"...

In the past half a year, I've been strongly considering a forearm tattoo. Not just any ole' tattoo, but the word "Love" on my arm, inspired by "To Write Love On Your Arm Day" fame. Not that I need it, not is it simple decision to commit to! I've been avoiding forearm tattoos for years! Never thought I'd want one, but this one I do, or at least I think I do.

Seriously, how bad would it be to have the word "Love" tattooed and very visible? Easily covered, but who would it really scare off?

Speaking of love, Valentine's Day is around the corner, nor is it a day that I'm particularly excited about. It's largely a crap day invented and popularized by commercial entities, to help bring up sales of chocolates and jewelry and so during this lull experienced after the Christmas season.

Yes, I'm aware that there is a historical allusions as to why this day is celebrated to the extent that it is, but I call bullshit. The hub-bub of Valentine's Day is as fake as a diamond ring is representing a happy marriage.

Why is it, that I could be a wonderful husband 364 days out of the year, but if I do not remember Valentine's Day, I somehow become an unromantic asshole?

My sisters - my FOUR sisters - have all expressed their lament at my less than conventional thoughts. They tell me that I"m an ass if I don't buy into Valentine's Day; that the girl I profess to love, will be hurt should I not observe the day by wasting money on overpriced themed gifts.

Am I an ass? Am I just being stubborn? I love the idea of romanticism, but I hate the idea of commercialism even more.

Next time, maybe I'll talk about how I have my eye on a lady or two, but lack the courage (for the moment) to say anything.